music is giving me sooo much stress. ugh.

i cant play any of the music right now. im so bad at playing the violin. like seriously. i dont know how im co-principle for honors orchestra. i dont even know HOW i made the friggin orchestra. grrrrrr. i have three immensely difficult pieces for honors orchestra. i have my ten minute octet piece which i havent even looked at. i have two other orchestral pieces where im concertmaster. another concerto piece where im concertmaster. and we have three more pieces coming up. like seriously…ten pieces. im soooo overwhelmed with music right now. if i dont practice everyday then im so behind in my music learning skills. i have math to worry about…and chem…and gov…and physics….and stupid lit…where we have a quiz every other day.

i just need a break from everything. i need Him again. im relying too much on my own. i cant do it without Him. please pray for me to leave my spiritual dry state of my life…

oh yeah and church..you call this a church? i want to leave..but if i do, our church is forever gone. i cant abandon it, but im not gaining anything from a youth group who rarely attends church. our youth group pastor cant make it half the time and our members(2) dont even pick up their phone. am i supposed to have worship by myself?

this is so effed up. im so spiritually dry. i gave up on my morning QTs because i just wasnt in the right mindset. these past two years have been such a hard struggle because i dont have a church. hopefully next year will help me grow. i definitely cannot live on more like this. no more…need to leave this place now.

im sorry. you can judge me. but this is who i am. im weak. im vulnerable. im sorry.